Animals I Hate


Portuguese Men o’ War are best known for being those super, duper poisonous jellyfish. Except you’ve been lied to, they aren’t jellyfish. They aren’t even really animals! They’re like, colonies of animals. They’re called siphonophores, and honestly unless you made a life choice to study biology or sea creatures or some shit you don’t even WANT to know what that means in science terms. Put simply, siphonophores are like Voltrons. Like the arms and the legs and the body, they’re all their own guys, but they work together as one. Except I think Voltron breaks up into space ships, and if you break up a siphonophore they all die. To be honest I’ve never seen Voltron. I shouldn’t be talking about it like I’m an expert.

Owls have two basic responsibilities: Live in a tree, and sleep all day. Burrowing owls do NEITHER. Jesus fucking Christ, burrowing owls. 

Capybaras are big fucking rat pigs. They’re the largest living rodent on the planet, so congratulations South America. You win. You win at having rats the size of rottweilers. They’re also semi-aquatic, and can hold their breath for five damn minutes. What the fuck are they doing under water for five fucking minutes? Oh right they’re EATING. Capybaras eat like reeds and leaves and grass and junk, instead of cheese like North American rodents. But reeds and leaves and grass are real hard to digest, so capybaras put in some extra effort to get the most out of their meals, nutritionally.

I’m talking about poop. They eat their poop.

That is the worst. 

Okapis are short-necked forest giraffes. It took until like 1901 to convince white people that they were a real thing, even though you’d think that after that whole deal with platypuses they would have opened their minds a little bit. But okapis are solitary and chill exclusively in like the darkest, scariest part of the Congolese rain forest. They keep other okapis out of their secret jungle business with the usual gross as hell animal tactic of pissing all over everything, but they also have some weird ass scent gland things on their fucked up giraffe feet that spit out sticky black goo that smells like property lines. Hey okapis, maybe if you put some damn socks on and didn’t track that shit all over people’s hardwood floors someone would hang out with you.

If you don’t recognize the bird above, what the fuck? Where are you from? Have you heard of The Beatles? Do you know what baseball is? Why are you allowed to have an internet connection? But anyway, bald eagles are big fucking sea eagles that live in the United States and Canada and vacation in Mexico. Ben Franklin didn’t want bald eagles to be America’s #1 Bird because he thought they were, swear to god, "of bad moral character." Big talk from a dude whose main contribution to the Revolutionary War was banging French teenagers. I have the opposite problem with bald eagles, though. That GAZE, man. PIERCING. If a human looked at me with that hateful disapproval I’d go right home, try to do a pull up, and then curl up on the ground in the fetal position and somberly think of all the ways I’ve disappointed my parents.

Thylacines are also called Tasmanian tigers, and they went extinct like a hundred years ago. They weren’t really tigers, which you should be able to tell from looking at the god damn pictures. They were like giant murderous koala dogs or something. If you need someone to tell you that they lived on Tasmania you’re unforgivably dumb, but maybe you’re just not good at geography so you get a ONE TIME PASS if you didn’t know that Tasmania is an Australian island. Australia+Island is basically nature’s perfect formula for creating a nightmare beast, so of course thylacines were fucking carnivorous marsupials who looked like dogs and could hop like kangaroos and tuck their balls into pouches. Those weird fucking jaws are all show though, because apparently they didn’t have bite pressure for SHIT and died because they weren’t strong enough to bite a damn sheep to death. I’m pretty sure that I could bite a sheep to death, and I didn’t even have braces. 

Albatrosses are so awful that they’re a metaphor for doom. Pictures don’t really do their suckiness justice. Albatrosses are famous for having the biggest wing span of any bird, and also from The Rescuers. They’re built to stay in the air, so these fuckers fly all the entire way around the god damn world (although not at the Equator, where it counts) in between mating seasons. So basically, they think they’re some kind of fucking indefatigable Superbirds all eating cuttlefish like they own the ocean, but then they get to some LAND and the game changes. Because even more than their wing span, more than The Rescuers, albatrosses are famous for tripping over their own fucking feet and faceplanting at least like half the time when they land. It’s easy to feel cool when you’re the only bird for two hundred miles, isn’t it Albatross?

Fossas are Madagascar’s largest endemic predators. And since Madagascar is some random island that’s mostly famous for having the world’s loudest cockroaches, of course fossas are just twenty pound weasels. But they’re also the most depraved sexual libertines to walk the earth since David Bowie got married. Basically a lady just goes up in a tree, and lots of guys come around and start screaming and screaming and attacking each other until the lady decides that one of the guys is the best screamer and the most skilled bitch-slapper, and then they just go at it like crazy up in the tree, and did I mention that the male’s penis is fucking BARBED? Because you can’t be worried about slipping out when you’re worried about slipping out of a tree. And when they’re done the female just goes ahead and mates with all the other screaming guys who are waiting their turns down below, for up to FORTY HOURS STRAIGHT. Maybe it’s my prudish Puritan morals, but god damn fossas, leave some slutty for the rest of us.

Saiga antelopes are big giant dorks. They have huge inflatable noses that have been filtering dust since the fucking Pleistocene, when they used to stomp their stupid tiny feet all over the damn world, but now they pretty much stick to Kazakhstan. I guess their noses also warm air up in winter? That seems pretty unnecessary to me. I mean, I live in a pretty cold climate, it’s basically normal for my region to get two feet of snow and drop below zero in winter, AND people are always commenting on how adorably petite my nose is, but once the air is inside of my face the temperature is pretty comfortable. It’s not like I sleep outside or anything, but I also don’t grow a massive white coat, or even wear a coat, because wearing coats is for pussy bitches. Saiga antelopes, you are pussy bitches. Also they’re not even good antelopes. They’re practically sheep.

Surinam toads straight up make me want to barf. They are so gross that I want to die. The ladies lay a bunch of eggs and the dudes do some nasty sex thing to make the eggs land on the ladies’ backs, and then the eggs sink into their back flesh and make fleshy pockets and oh god oh god I’m gonna throw up and then the babies hatch out and shit seriously I am about to ruin my keyboard. I have to go scrub my back with the coarsest loofah I can find, brb.