Animals I Hate

Pygmy hippos are like regular hippos, but small. Too small, if you ask me. Regular hippos are dangerous as hell, they kill more people every year than falling coconuts. But pygmy hippos, they’re about as dangerous as a coconut that’s already on the ground. People get the wrong impression. They get friendly with the little guys, then they think they can just roll on in to regular hippo turf without getting their fucking heads ground into a powder by giant flat hippo molars. Most pygmy hippos in the United States are descended from one that President Coolidge used to have, so that means that most pygmy hippos have a better social pedigree than you do. They know important people and get invited to parties where people wear bow ties unironically, even though no one is even getting married!