Animals I Hate


Clouded leopards have the largest canine teeth in the whole damn animal kingdom (relative to skull size, of course). Their jaws open wider than those of any other cat. Of all modern animals, clouded leopards have the closest tooth structure to saber tooth tigers. These bitches would be TERRIFYING, except that they weigh thirty fucking pounds. At the shoulder, they are, honest to god, about as tall as a goddamn weiner dog. I don’t care if it has two inch fangs, there is no way that I will ever - EVER - respect or fear a weiner dog. One time when I was a kid I was playing Ulysses S. Grant in a play at the state capital building, and one of the perks of the job was that I got to walk around and look at all the other random bullshit going on at the capital that day. And one of the things was a dude who had a clouded leopard on a leash, and since I was the President of the United States he let me play with it a little. And you know what that thing did? Nothing. It just rolled around and slapped at a wadded up piece of paper like any damn cat that I can see any day of my stupid life. I won the Civil fucking War and this is the best you can show me?

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