Animals I Hate

Orcas are pretty creepy. They’re really clever hunters, and come up with all kinds of ways to kill stuff. Sometimes they’ll kill a whole damn shark and then just eat the liver, and their mothers aren’t even like “There are starving whales in Africa who would love to eat that shark carcass!” because their mother probably helped them kill the thing in the first place, just for the pleasure of watching a non-orca die. Killer whales are the only animals that never leave their mothers, which gives them sort of a Norman Bates vibe when you consider they also murder stuff. Oh and check out that map up there: The blue parts aren’t water, they’re orca territory. Those bitches are murdering it up every place that it’s wet. And now orcas make me feel kind of old, because I remember seeing that movie “Free Willy” as a kid because my grandma had it on VHS, but now I don’t think kid’s grandmas even HAVE VHS tapes anymore, and they almost definitely don’t have “Free Willy.” Basically I feel like one day I’m going to mention “Free Willy” in a conversation with a respectable adult who is too young to remember that movie, and that makes me feel like a crusty old block of salt.