Animals I Hate

Crows are annoying as hell. They’re so loud. I would rank them in the Top 2 Most Annoying Birds That Hang Out In My Yard, where they narrowly beat out woodpeckers (or as I call them, “motherfucking cock-sucking woodpeckers”). Crows aren’t just loud, they’re also obnoxiously smart. New Caledonian crows are better at inventing stuff than most primates, and I’m counting people when I say that. And they don’t just invent, but they can pass on their inventions to their bird buddies, which means that they have a complex culture and higher learning capabilities. Chimps can’t do that shit. Crows can also recognize individual humans by their faces, which is pretty amazing. I am a human and I can pretty much only recognize people by their haircut. One time when I was a kid my mom got a perm and I thought she was a babysitter for three days. It’s bad news though, because crow society is all about revenge. If you piss off a crow, that crow will do a drawing of your face and show it to everyone he knows, and before you know it the sky is black with feathers and your eyes are being poked out with a stick the crow fashioned into a point after using a shorter, blunter stick to retrieve it from a box.