Animals I Hate

Unicorns are horses who think they’re sooo great. They have horns spurting out of the middle of their heads, which is really bizarre. Do they fight with those things? Regular animals that aren’t stupid usually have two horns, and the horns are spaced so that if another guy with horns tries to headbutt you, his horn gets stopped before it can hit you square in the center of the face*. That’s why you see so few ram brains smeared across scenic hillsides. But it seems like unicorns could just poke each others’ damn eyes out. I’ll bet that’s why they’re so endangered. Also unicorns are real bitchy about who they’ll be friends with. They only hang out with girls, but if you’ve gone past second base, forget about it. Oh excuse me unicorns, I didn’t realize you were the Old Timey Morality Police. This is modern times, it isn’t whorish for a lady to ride a bicycle anymore and you need to learn that.

*This is also true with the word “antlers.”